Danny James

Tag: desire

385: Sally in the Winter

I was discovering the advantages and obstacles of increased perception. From posting my meditations high above instead of among the boulevards of twisted metal and scrap industry dreams of the old coughing steel-city. A town that flirts with change like single romantics who give twice as little as consume, and so edge forward in a lonely aching ever-standstill. I can mark back to the long beginning of a great confusion of my making here. As mice and gulls would, by virtue of differing experiences of the same broken suburbia and beyond, entertain dissimilar impressions thereof. I had now a wider measure of insight to inform my decision-making, as well the sobering gravity of a lost illiteracy and a rain of new extravagance could nobody entirely drink.

Save the glassy reflection of headlights on busy wet roads, August nights as I recall, until Winters twilight offered no surprise or bother to the routine of living and my uncontemplated place in life. Gone are those days could never I have fathomed I’d miss, before that intersection of youth and a convinced-of adulthood where the Earths rolling seems to be gathering momentum and increasingly necessary thus are the sunrises you do not heed. When it’s decided that you’ve seen plenty and are utterly bored, but are not of experience enough to realise that this boredom is perhaps the peace of mind you will never again know, and bears an ignorance that once lit soon will burn habitually for years many more. So get on with it then.

The restaurant is in the peak of Friday night flurry, and I am where I most enjoy anything, sunk in the thickest of it. Up to my chin in the dilating depths of joyful letting go, wading and melting seamlessly shoulder to shoulder with whom has needs I must foresee, and craft around them quietly the next ease before the realisation steals upon them they were ever discomforts mark. An environment manager; a scene setting, helmsman of an evenings spectacle of sensory impressions. Outside, the rain drifts across like snow and pretty as it is, I have succeeded not if it withdraws them instead but dial it I must, the pitch and tone of wonderment enough to complement and not entirely distract from the reality which for them I am sewing as I envision it suits any instant in the ongoing connection thereof. A fantastical experience of perfectly woven sensation and meaning. Memory making and humdrum forgetting, – a spin and whirl of hours in an instant drawn, because outside of here will come soon enough and I am keeping the gates of this realm, against which fall away for a few hours all of your otherworldly misgivings, where may you sit unscathed to entertain the simple pleasures of free conversation and marry that with fine soundings and perfect relations. The underbelly network of this warped exposure is a melee of strings, smoke and mirrors stressed, beguiling, bending, and at any moment, threatened to fall apart. To heighten the tension it is turnover time and section heads here must hold as much professional repose-fullness as ever you’ll find to gracefully precisely deceive and flatter, as well tighten the hinges that keep us all together strained which buckling, might see this ship of fools topple over with a gasp and spilling out into the night and cold water over which we are situated. And I am there among it all, hidden in plain sight as intended, keeping order and overseeing the processing of my section unseen and imperturbable, all the while unescaped of her piercing eyes fixed on my every move. The watcher watched, I was done for; fated prey of her sweetest yearnings stewing patiently beneath the noise, and I wasn’t at all to know.

330

You already know your souls need. There are no obstacles but what you must leave behind, to acquire.

285

There was a time, when I allowed feeling to guide my actions in life. And that really is all that I can say about that time.

270

Of all the things you could see yourself becoming in life, has never any enthralled you so thoroughly as the idea of being an adventurer. With your all toward yonder fringe of Earth, – sustenance has always been in the going, and it never matters where.

161: That within the mind’s authority

Yet, true for some as it is for you, that to whatever place by incident are you drawn always seems the only place could have, as what happens there as happens must. And if convinced by displays which present themselves initially without further investigation, these events would suggest a foreordination since the very opening trice. However, not to destinies or gods, or other such rumour and invention that evidence can not support, provoke yourself to rationalise an unreasonable or undue indebtedness, but rather acknowledge your own qualifications in the helmsmanship of your life’s direction. Mark! that you are thoughts and matter, retained of an inherent autonomy for choice; and if unto each turn of chance you approach observing and expecting, equipped with removed neutrality not the same as resignation, thus by might of will through practise can you dye the more coincidental subjectivity of occasion, with plain-coloured precision of fact as it is known, and consequently, wring out a personal utility. Sift the mire of circumstance determined for the gold in every interaction, and where your own thoughts take passage, frequent the corridors of their origins and bend the course toward truth. Accepting, studying and by reason refining all moments, that you may from one to the next with properly formed judgements receive or be relieved of prosperity without angst or any change in disposition soever; rathering prudence such scarcity of wealth brings, if affords the hardship but an opportunity for the exercise of resilience against the passions that serve you not. Accepting. Accepting, presupposes no exceptions; a stringless admittance. The only clause being there is no clause. To accept implies also, gap enough for decision.

155

What brings this burgeoning tumult of rapturous insight, the unknowable depths of which into it appears I have not so much fallen as leapt? Like a heretic sentry from his all-seeing, overlooking formation suddenly shot alive with option of startling contrary, and broken the spell of the deepest convictions of his identity; neither with the clearest rationale behind the impulse or its outcome concerned, perhaps thrice as bound by convinced he is not, and plummets so, individual.

Although I am already aware the dreadfully unavoidable truth of impact, if incompletely the origin of lure, – of what I ask myself most intimately regarding this strange new temptation that has never till now been attractive, I manage still to salvage some distortion to the facts as pleases but harmfully. As it is in the Nature of emotional pleasures, by instantaneity satisfied and begun so forth. And of this may I have grounding, but no immunity. Else I could temper my zeal to eloquence, and discourage the course of desire in the blood, that pools a conjuring of her reputation to my heart; might I know then a morning absent of mourning the memory of that split second of forever under the peaceable govern of sleep, near about the period, I estimate, to be the first stir of arousal, – with bursts and fragments of alert consciousness only afterward recognised to have been. All contained in the prior-hood of slumbers end, following which quickly realises that the world-stopping kiss that affects my awakening is in fact a figments wrath in dream. And each day thus begins in this deficit, perceiving a loss where does not truly occur, only ill value-judgements make it so. If It were instead, as palpable in advance, as it is plainly visible to sight, – some haze or flinched at heat given off from the coming fire, – the ruinousness and verity of my inventions mockery that am unable to affront quite so perfectly as I abide with curious abandon, I might then predict futility in hoping and the pain of its outrage with no need of the experience hitherto. Yet the source, I can apply no logic to solving that is not diluted by my biased inclination to the joyous feeling of anticipating what may be felt potentially, as persisted in so many decorative accounts thereof however much here is evidencing no prospects but of an upset. She has become a strife, this convenient apparition, by numbing the actual strife thusly that needs her. An illogical, circular, self-crafted, self-effacing system of nutritive ruin, to which yet as much logical, reasoned and sound remedy dresses equally resists.

Though I urge forgetfulness in me, or attempt to recollect that resilience of yesterday that perhaps shone in one brilliant moment of mindless tenacity, – rathering instead the composite mettle to withstand than to without, and no such stuff discovering in the face of inevitable consequence, is all too much for my strength to reason. For Reason her dear eyes bend, and apace have I gone already to bend a reconciliation for it.

148

Your faults, in seeming and actuality like rivers can surge and subside at a breeze. Trust not what first reflects on the surface will resemble a later form, or imply its final force. Temper the impression by warmer seasons of thought, as can pressing winds goad the climate and patterns of water. Choose to see balm, and so happen that Nature. Or exhaust your Winter conclusions and accustom to the frozen form of your shimmering follies, apathy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

138

An outlook at odds will do well to dissolve sourness of familiarity imbedded across the lands. A traveller sees most only what plenty or want is in them, assenting information as relative by evolution of ones figuring, in response to experience and a perceived usefulness at hand. The stimulus unchanged across all minds but for the translation. The subjective eye, builds upon, adds, and perchance distorts; impressions become anything other than conflict with unconstructive passions. The objective vision is afloat; removes and refines, steadfast in truth and simplicity. And well may there be irrepressible beauty abound, they would find it not who elsewhere seek it improved. Going always here and there, starting anew and completing nothing through discovers none but an uncertainty reigns wheresoever one stands, and commuting ones troubles will less dislodge than it rather ensures. So, what then is it withal turbulence you cannot be shook of? Have you not enquired your part thus, instead presuming so well of yourself as to cast out censoriousness and leer? The world and all Creation has mastered harmony and duration while you, an isolated phenom apparent, divine in three decades commit to rending yourself; abdicating the very power of objective reasoning that, although distinguishes humankind, does not separate it from the Whole of which it is a role and member. Our aversions have roots in our desires, and visa versa; they share common soil, and first there we must tend if anywhere is to be enjoyed with untroubled and meditative vigour.

97: Godspeed

I know brother, here little is sincere. The merry atrocities no looking back deserve, – and how precious days decrease. I would you went, and your last look settled upon a lonely rapture that hangs in the vibrant woodlands of your private longing, intimate to thy scope and nature. Hold not ye behind. By all means good, your own valleys go, with what genial faith keeps thee to hills warmer than in thy heart now resides. To each, his own chasm daunts; hesitates the souls investment. May the ravines reveal and the gorges give, than seekest thou infinitely more. I’ll meet you there at the void, whence we all separate and shall after return.

61

At last, I have reached that age the elderly folk often would depict, where I fain envy no more than simple pleasantries, such as a book and a cup of tea, to see out my evenings. If it be, as indicated it would, within my refined want and most essential influence to improve the moment, a fine and temperate wood-fire to warm the travelled spirit into bliss is tours end.